They say time repeats itself. After many years, the exact same things will happen to such an alarming accuracy that the world itself forms unique folds according to everything that happens at a certain moment. Only, you see, nobody is alive to make the comparison, and so this wonder is lost. Forever never ends, but it is never always different either. It’s true, there is a first time for everything; but there is also a second, then a third, and so on. The probability of such things happening is startlingly remote, but then probability is hugely irrelevant when concerning the Greater Purpose in life.
What if this happens to us, though? Instead, however, what if they occur over a period of only one year, maybe two? Does your life seem a little repetitive? Good times, bad times; happy, sad; rich, poor… There can only ever be two polar opposites, but an almost-infinite medium in the middle. Do you really take the time to notice? I suppose for me it became glaringly obvious right after I met her.
I don’t remember exactly when I got so close to her, or even how. It’s one of those things than happens underneath the rest of life, when you’re so preoccupied thinking about exactly what you had to do there and now, you forget where your relationships are really going; with lovers, friends and people you barely even know. Not that I regret any of it, you understand.
I remember the end of the last school year. I skipped through the double doors gleefully, happier than I had been in a long time, singing at the top of my lungs “I hate this place!” I didn’t care who heard. Two months later, though, it hurts me too much to realise how much I miss her. The girl I was. Yes, now I’m happier; yes, now I’m actually closer to achieving what I’ve been working for all this time, but I miss what I used to know: The Good Times. All the times when I knew what was happening, with everyone in my life, and even life itself, I knew what tomorrow would bring. I never used to worry about being on my own, or missing who I used to be, but only because I hated that girl.
Now everything’s changed. People around me have changed and so have I. A year ago today I was nothing like what I am now. A year ago today I was heading on a downward spiral to ruining my entire life. Today, however, I’m looking to the future. Doing all the work I can and trying to make the best of the situation I find myself in.
And yet, when all is said and done, I still miss the people who were close to me: those who have gone and those who have changed.
Last year was a big year for me. I made three or more of my best friends, and almost lost myself to remorse, envy and self-hatred. I look at the people in the year below me, especially the ones who I know are like I am, and I can’t help but think ‘You’ve got all this to go…’
In truth, I pity them. I really do. I’m still alive, yes, but only just. Is it strange I want to look after them? I want to make sure the younger people I know and care about are okay. Really okay. I want them to know that I’m here for them, because I know what it’s like to feel totally alone, with all the problems in the world on your shoulders.
Let’s hope, for the sake of them, time doesn’t repeat itself now.